Author: tmg

Another verbal hug: Compliments

Short of giving someone an actual hug, or remembering to use their name, what is a great way of giving someone that warm and fuzzy feeling?

It is so easy to fall into the trap of just seeing someone’s negative traits, or just taking them for granted. Wouldn’t it be so much nicer to take the time to tell someone something that you like about them?

Here are some reasons why this is such a wonderful thing to do:

  1. YOU WILL MAKE SOMEONE SMILE. Everyone likes to feel good. Everyone likes to feel appreciated. Having the consideration to pay someone a compliment will really help them feel engaged with you and happy in themselves. Smiling is good for your health!
  2. TAKE AWAY THE NEGATIVITY. There is so much negativity in our society today. People complain about things not working, about customer service, about trains being late, about their partner forgetting something, about the Internet being slow at that second….. moan, moan, moan! Compliments really seem to stand out nowadays.
  3. YOU ARE LOOKING AT THINGS IN A DIFFERENT WAY. Paying someone a compliment means you are looking at them in a positive, praising way. It will help you look deeply at them and what makes them ‘tick’. Throw away constantly thinking the worst of people and realise that they are truly multifaceted!
  4. YOU WILL BE REMEMBERED AS A POSITIVE PERSON. Do you know someone who is a bit of a ‘downer’? All they do is moan about how bad people or things are? That can be very draining and they start to be avoided. Positive, happy, smiling people are simply more fun to be around. Be one of those people! Plus, this means that when things really ARE going badly for you, your friends will notice the difference and will be keen to help.
  5. YOU ARE BRAVE. It can feel hard to give a compliment sometimes. It could feel out of place or make you feel vulnerable (‘What if they don’t like me?’). One reason that a compliment is so appreciated is the fact that you are putting yourself ‘out there’ in such a way. Be brave!

Get out there and make some compliments today! Ensure they are genuine and from the heart.

What nice things have you said to people recently?

Give someone a verbal hug today: Names

Have you given someone a verbal hug today?

There are occasions when we meet a new group of people. The usual whirlwind of introductions and names occur. Sometimes we almost ‘discard’ someone’s name because it can seem superfluous detail compared to who the person actually is. It is also going to be one of the first things someone says to us so our concentration may not be in the right place either.

I have blogged with some tips in this area before, so check that out if you struggle with this!

Recently, I was happy to be complimented on the fact that I was remembering the names of everyone. I certainly used to be terrible at it and it was only with effort that I improved. Football refereeing has been a ‘trial of fire’ with this: You want to do everything possible to establish rapport with 22+ potentially unruly players!

I’ve already linked to some tips on how to improve in this area, but WHY is it so important?

  1. IT’S A VERBAL HUG! All of us have had names for a very long time! We react to them instinctively. Hearing someone use your name is a form of hug and makes you feel welcome and involved. This is of course referring to a name being used in a positive way as opposed to anything that might trigger the memories of a parent giving a ‘telling off’.
  2. THANKS FOR LISTENING. Using someone’s name, especially early on, does at least demonstrate you are paying attention. You may appear to be listening to an anecdote but if you find yourself ten minutes later having to ask, “Erm, what was your name again?” then you have undone some of that good.
  3. YOU ARE CREATING INVOLVEMENT. It is possible to be a ‘social queen bee’ and involve others in the conversation a lot more easily if you can use their name. Again, this is all about making people feel welcome and valued. “This person is also involved in….” does not quite have the same ring to it. Nor would beckoning someone with hand signals alone!

Try using names more often today. Even with people you know really well. See what a change it has and whether you can hit a good ‘sweet spot’!

Mentoring that first speech

As a member of Farnham Speakers, and in turn a member of Toastmasters, I help out with mentoring newer members in giving their first few speeches. This is incredibly rewarding as the mentoring and evaluation process, combined with the hard work of the speaker, allow a journey of improvement that is visible to all involved.

The first speech in the Toastmasters system is ‘The Icebreaker’. I gave my own one over a year ago now and have certainly never looked back.

The purpose of this first speech is very simple: Show us what you can do! It is a starting point for the continued Toastmasters learning experience. No matter what level you currently are, there are always going to be things you are doing well, and things that could do with being improved.

My latest mentee gave her Icebreaker recently. She comes from a teaching background so getting up in front of an audience is not new, but giving an actual speech was. She had been involved in other roles prior to giving a speech, such as running the ‘Table Topics’ session in a previous meeting. This allowed us to see the areas that should be worked on.

As part of working with her on the speech writing and preparing for actually giving it…. what did we learn?

  1. SLOW DOWN! It was obvious early on that nerves led to speaking quickly and rushing through. This was easy to work on as it was self-acknowledged by my mentee. Relax, take your time. We ensured that the speech length was never going to be close to the maximum time so that there would be no additional pressure (“I’d better hurry up before the red light comes on!”).
  2. THE AUDIENCE IS SELFISH! When I was reviewing the speech, I suggested putting in questions to the audience and also the use of a very powerful word: “You”. Speeches which are “Me, me, me!” will ‘lose’ an audience. Finding a connection is important and “You” is a great way of doing this. Included in this is that when asking a question to the audience, care about the answer!
  3. DON’T TRY AND BE TOO CLEVER! A tendency with the Icebreaker is to try and write the best speech in the world, with clever tricks, twists and turns. Stick to the basics for the first one. Pulling off some of those tricks is hard and it is a real downer if you feel it hasn’t quite worked afterwards.
  4. READ IT ALOUD! Perhaps obvious but so very important. A speech which looks good on paper may not work when read aloud, due to the difference in impact between written and spoken language. For example, you may need to repeat a key point to make it ‘stick’ in the audience’s mind. On paper, they can just go back and re-read things they are not sure about.
  5. NOTES STRATEGY. Notes are absolutely fine for an Icebreaker. Just have them prepared and know you can work with them. My mentee decided to go with the whole speech printed (in a big font) on the lectern as a memory aid. It worked well. I was especially proud when she remembered to set up the stage with the lectern to one side, instead of hiding behind it!

I hope you find this useful. Have you got any advice you would give to someone giving their first speech? Have you ever received any advice that has really stuck with you? I’d love to hear it!

First steps in the land of the ukulele

You know what? I think the ukulele is pretty cool.

I’ve been playing guitar for many, many years. I’ve got a bit of a collection and it is wonderful thinking of the history behind each instrument. I have even recorded a few things in my time.

The ‘uke’ has been growing in popularity recently. There is even an orchestra and a whole host of different ‘ukejams’ going on around the world.

I have now picked up my very own (called Layla… as in ‘uke-layla’.. groan….) and love it. Why are they just so sweet?

  1. EASY TO LEARN: Four strings. Very quick to get the initial chord shapes going, although as the tuning is different from a guitar I felt a bit like a sprawling kitten to begin with. Anyone can get going very, very quickly. I learned about four chords before heading to my first jam session and learned the rest as the evening went on! The fact that the strings are typically nylon avoids newbie fingers being cut to shreds as well.
  2. CHEAP! A basic ukulele can be yours for about £25. As a result, great for children. When my eight year-old daughter plays with my guitars I am half excited, half petrified, and find myself edging closer to her ‘just in case’ ! If she takes to the ‘uke’, and I really think she will, I intend to get her one of her own! Of course, if you get really into it, you can spend more money to get something of a bit more quality…
  3. TINY! Ukuleles are really small. As a result, they are immensely portable. When I played in a band, I was forever lugging flight cases and amplifiers about. My ukulele weighs about the same as my mobile phone.
  4. SMILE! You can’t stop smiling when playing a ukulele. The tone and action, and in particular, the ‘jam’ feeling when playing in a group are great.

If you (or a child?) are thinking of learning a musical instrument, or want to try something new, then I heartily recommend picking one up. You could then join the whole social experience by popping along to a jam session!

UPDATE: I was remiss in not mentioning the particular ‘ukejam’ session that I have been intending. Especially since it was the final push in convincing me to get my own ukulele. Please check out the Godalming-based Ukejam as it is wonderful. Thanks to Claire (in the comments section) for pointing this out.

Still need convincing? Here are a couple of videos!

First impressions of Google+

The ‘plus’ sign that I have chosen for this article may be appropriate. Google have tried their hand at social media before in various ways, be it Orkut (remember that?) or Wave (RIP). They have dearly needed some ‘First Aid’ to try and compete with Facebook. Especially since Facebook have been spreading their tentacles out into the search space…

How is Google+ looking so far?

  1. The UI is crisp, clean and very usable. The UI was a huge barrier to entry for Wave. It was confusing and the system crashed most of the time. It is ‘at a glance’ easy in order to post, add people to circles and so on.
  2. It’s very easy to add people.. Click…click…click. People can be added by sharing, dragging into circles or via the recommendations system. It feels very organic to grow your network within the system.
  3. You can’t escape it. The new Google navigation bar makes sure Google+ will be integrated into your search experience. Provided you use Google, of course. Research has shown that Google have 63.6% of the search market share right now which makes it quite likely.
  4. Day 1 Mobile Support. Android app straight out of the game, and forthcoming for the other platforms. Facebook themselves report: ‘People that use Facebook on their mobile devices are twice as active on Facebook than non-mobile users’.

It is a very solid and credible start. There is still work to be done, of course: The voice/video chat was very unstable when we tested it in the office and there is no gaming platform yet to snag the Farmville demographic!

The last point is more serious than it sounds. People need a reason to switch to use a different network, and stick with it beyond the ‘Ooh, a new toy!’ honeymoon period. What will Google have planned?

I’m looking forward to seeing where it goes… what are your thoughts on it?

CHASE Charity Match 2

Last season is over but I need to be able to hit the ground running when the 2011/2012 season kicks off. I’ll be acting as Assistant Referee on the local supply league from August but ‘my’ leagues for refereeing will not start until September.

I’ve been accepted onto the Accelerated Promotion scheme which means my remaining assessments for the first phase must be completed by October. It is highly likely I will be assessed on my first game back so it is not the time to be rusty!

As a result, it was great to be asked back to referee the Fans Focus XI v Woking Peacocks charity friendly, in aid of CHASE. The teams had met before.

It was a good-natured game which has allowed me to highlight the sorts of things I want to work on ready for September.

What do you think of the penalty call at 03:15 ?

Going Commando

This was my tenth speech at Farnham Speakers. This meant that it earned me my ‘Competent Communicator’ award with Toastmasters International!

It had the goal of ‘Inspire Your Audience’ and is centred around the Commando Challenge that I did recently (17 km run including a Royal Marines assault course). However, there is also a personal journey involved…

I’m very happy with how this one turned out, especially since it is the longest speech that I have given to date. As usual, it was performed entirely from memory. It is easier to recall speeches based around personal experiences though!

It has just struck me that about a year ago, I would never have dreamed I would be able to perform a ten minute speech from memory…. plus thoroughly enjoy doing so!

Spectator abuse

Offensive language in football is back in the news again, following Wayne Rooney facing a charge for it.

Following advice from assessors, I have tightened up on my ‘policing’ of this when refereeing. It doesn’t take much at ‘park level’. Telling the players prior to the game starting and pointing out it is a public park, with young children around, makes it an easy sell. With the game in progress, a sharp word as appropriate keeps it sorted, and the players will generally tell each other to cut it out!

Sometimes, I feel a team is relieved if it helps cut out the barracking they are receiving from their own goal-keeper!

The above helps assert the authority of the referee and also a sense of discipline, partly self-policed, from the players. Plus it makes it a much better environment for all.

What about spectators? I recently had cause to threaten my first ever match abandonment. Comments from the sidelines will always be there but certainly at ‘park level’ I am not tolerating personal abuse towards me or the players. A referee has no power to actually make a spectator leave but they can certainly abandon the game if they do not, and the corresponding club will be facing a charge as a result.

Like with dissent and language on the field of play, it is important to manage this sort of thing early, lest it become a free for all. In my case, the manager was excellent and resolved the situation immediately and the players understood why play was halted. Perhaps I should point out this was an under 16s game so a strong reason why action had to be taken!

Remember this?

Promotion Season: One month in…

I am going for a refereeing promotion this season. It is the first time I have been eligible (length of service requirements) and I am currently a level 7, with my eye fixed on a minimum of level 6 as my target.

Being promoted will allow me to officiate at a higher level of game, so the quality of football will increase as well as the refereeing challenges.

The promotion season runs from March 2011 until the end of February 2012, so we are currently one month in. I am racking up the games (A certain number must be refereed) so that won’t be a problem. I have also had two assessments which are a key factor in whether a candidate gets promoted or not.

The first assessment identified quite a few things that I needed to tighten up and I have been working solidly on these. By the time the second assessment came along I had really taken the previous advice on board and did much better and I received some very strong compliments! Naturally, advice for further improvement also featured so now I am working on those items.

Only a relatively small number of my games will be assessed so the marks from club officials also come into play. So I need to be please the teams I am refereeing to keep a trend of high marks.

There is a long way to go but the suggestions from assessments plus the advice from my colleagues and mentors is going a long way.

Assessors’ Handbook.

See you on the other side…

O Captain! My Captain!

The Respect campaign, courtesy of The FA, has been running for a while now. Most recently it has spawned Respect FC to continue buy-in from the public.

One of the edicts of the campaign is for Captains to be a focal point of their team in terms of interacting with the Referee. A key aspect here is that the Captain has no formal responsibilities in the Laws Of The Game but by working together it can really help with control of the match.

However, this really does depend on the just how good the Captain is. In general, I have found that there are two types:

  1. Will lead by example. Will work with the referee to calm down members of their team as required. Will assist with communicating the referee’s preferences to the team.
  2. Will have been nominated due to being the loudest member of the team. Most likely to criticise decisions they don’t agree with (loudly). Will be leading by example but the wrong sort of example! Leading the charge for the first caution of the game.

A strong captain is worth their weight in gold. If both teams are blessed in this way then a game will pretty much run itself!

Here is some general advice in handling captains in the best interests of the game:

  1. Make contact before the coin toss. This doesn’t have to be much. Perhaps just ask who they are during the equipment inspection?
  2. Get them involved when briefing the Club Assistant Referees. They can raise any queries plus it will help there be no surprises with the way you work with the Assistants.
  3. Brief the teams on any expected behaviour during the equipment inspection. Explaining it just to the captains prior to the coin toss is okay but… When does the captain have the subsequent chance to tell their team? If everyone knows from the beginning what your views are then the captain will find it easier… and so will you!
  4. Get the captain involved when disciplining as much as possible. They will be more likely to be able to calm down team-mates than you. Remember the stepped approach: This doesn’t just have to be when showing the cards!
  5. Keep in touch with the captain during the game even when there is no misconduct. Are they doing a good job? Tell them! Thank them!
  6. Captain not helping? Stop trying to get them involved. There’s only so much you can do.

I hope you find this useful and please do post any of your own advice with working with Captains in the best interest of having a great game!